“IN Liz we Truss!” then, as the toadying Tory MPs like to say right now in the hope of being made Under Secretary of State for gravy, or something.
Even those who hated her two weeks ago have suddenly found reservoirs of adoration.
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OK, Ms Truss wasn’t my first choice for PM — that would be Kemi Badenoch. And the Tories aren’t really my first choice either. That would be the SDP.
But Truss fought a good campaign and there is no doubting her tenacity and ambition.
So we should probably cut her a bit of slack for a while and hope that she performs miracles — because miracles are needed at the moment.
She needs to unite her own party. She needs to persuade traditional Tory voters to vote Conservative once again.
And she needs to cosy up to the Red Wall voters in the North if she’s going to win a majority in 2024.
And that’s on top of an energy crisis, inflation and the war in Ukraine.
So what should she do? Here’s my plan of action for Liz.
1. I don’t like the freeze on energy prices. It’s a temporary measure that the poorest of us will pay for down the line.
You want a policy winner, nationalise the oil and gas companies. Even if it’s only a brief nationalisation, as happened with rail franchise LNER.
The public wants the energy companies in public hands, especially Red Wall voters. Outflank Labour on the left.
Build a bunch of modular, small-scale, nuclear power stations to end our dependence upon foreign energy and fossil fuels.
2. Wage war on woke. People hate it. Even Labour and Lib Dem voters. You have got a wonderfully diverse Cabinet — which pretty much proves we don’t have structural racism in this country.
Scrap diversity targets and diversity programmes. Boot out Stonewall from all institutions. Stop kids being force-fed LGBTQI propaganda in schools. Know what a woman is.
You will rake in the votes — and do the country a favour.
3. Take a very large scalpel to the NHS. Get your mate Therese Coffey to create an NHS which is free for all for serious illnesses and medical emergencies.
And create tax breaks for private health insurance so that the affluent are no longer a burden on the system.
4. Increase UK support for Ukraine and the Baltic states. More arms to President Zelensky, more men stationed in Lithuania, Latvia and Estonia. Be Zelensky’s favourite human being.
5. Be tough on public sector wage demands. We can not give in to calls for double-digit percentage increases that will stoke already-soaring inflation. We need to do everything we can to get inflation down.
6. Roll out a housebuilding and home insulation programme. Make it easier for private landlords to rent out property, not harder.
7. Invest in enterprise and infrastructure in the north of the country. Transfer more government departments to the regions.
8. Introduce an Animal Welfare Bill which makes it clear that animals have rights. Move towards an entirely free-range environment for all of our farm animals and ban imports from countries with poor animal welfare standards. Ban trail hunting.
9. Protect the traditional nuclear family – the proven best way of bringing up children. Use taxation and benefits to reward those who get married and stay married.
10. Sign a whopping trade deal with India. Let the British people know that Brexit was not a mistake by taking advantage of the benefits of being out of the European Union.
All that by Monday afternoon, please, Liz. If you want any more guidance or suggestions, gizza call.
THE net zero business is going to take a back seat for a while. That’s probably right, given the cost of our energy bills.
But we should not forget climate change – and the Prime Minister should set an example.
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So, was it ABSOLUTELY necessary for both Liz Truss and Boris Johnson to fly in separate private planes to see the Queen at Balmoral?
What’s wrong with a bloody Zoom call?
Think of the money – and the carbon – saved.
CANADIAN weirdo Naia Okami identifies as a wolf. She says she knows she’s kind of human but really feels as if she is a wolf.
She even tweets stuff like “awooooo” to show that she is a wolf.
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Naia said: “Some people obviously raise their eyebrows but it’s not really that different. If you really think about it, what does it change about your interaction with me?”
Well, Naia. It changes our “interaction” with you because most people won’t bother to interact with someone who is on a one-way ticket to the booby hatch.
A VEGAN cafe in Taunton, Somerset, has come up with an interesting ruse to attract more customers. It has started selling meat dishes.
The Mango Tree owners explained that unless they did that, they would go broke. Yes indeed – never has there been a better case of “go woke, go broke”.
Serving only vegan food means you are ignoring 97 per cent of the population. Yes, despite hearing so much about vegan diets, these deluded people still comprise only three per cent of the population.
Think the cafe needs a name change, though.
How about “The Mango Tree And Recently Slaughtered Cow”?
WE have a new Environment Secretary. At long last we’ve got rid of George “not much” Eustice.
George made sure he was a friend of the big farmers and had no time for wildlife.
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He kept the ludicrous badger cull going when all the evidence suggested it was not remotely stopping the spread of disease to cattle.
The new bloke is called Ranil Jayawardena. I’m going to send him a stuffed furry badger.
So that when he stops the badger cull – at 0900 tomorrow morning, I hope – he can remind himself of the gratitude of these lovely animals.
PRITI PATEL has resigned as the Home Secretary. As soon as she did so, civil servants at the Foreign Office liked a tweet saying “good riddance”.
That’s the impartial civil service for you.
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Few politicians have been as nastily vilified as Patel. Maybe it’s the fact that she’s small, female and Asian that annoys the public schoolboys in the civil service.
Either way, I hope she returns to the front bench very soon. She’s a formidable politician.
And she annoys the hell out of Labour.
Hurry back, Priti – we miss you.
BEEB’S BOOB ON SUE
SO now we know. The BBC sacked the lovely Sue Barker because they wanted to “take the programme in a different direction”.
And for once, they have kept their word. The direction is downwards, at something approaching the speed of light.
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When Sue was the host, with Phil Tufnell and Matt Dawson as captains, A Question Of Sport pulled in audiences of almost five million.
With Paddy McGuinness as host and Sam Quek and Ugo Monye as captains it gets 850,000 viewers.
If the BBC were in the commercial sector, whoever was responsible for sacking Sue Barker would now be queuing outside the local job centre.
In the BBC, they’ve probably been given a pay rise.
SHOWS’ LARD TIMES
THEATRES have begun to include “fat accessibility information” in their adverts.
This is so that lardbuckets who buy tickets for, say, Oliver! (food, glorious food, etc) won’t be disappointed when they find that the seats are all kinda human-sized, rather than elephantine.
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The fatties are getting radicalised.
Comedian Sofie Hagen – who I suspect is not a regular at the Marks & Spencer salad counter – will not play in venues which don’t make room for people like her.
Huge seats each equipped with a chicken nugget-dispensing machine and cola intravenous drip are the future.
